Issue 1 -- August 27, 2012
This month I torment an annoying woman by goading her into watching something called Threads. For those of you who might be wondering, yes, Threads is a real movie. It's a piece of Cold War propaganda from Britain, and I consider it to be the single darkest, gloomiest, most frightening piece of moving cinema ever created. I don't see how a movie could get worse. I mean, I guess it's possible, but they'd have to really try, and no one will because there would be no market for such a thing anyway.
The story is that the BBC got ahold of "The Day After" and thought it was too nice, so they made their own nuclear fallout TV-movie in response. "The Day After" was made for network television and certain facts about nuclear holocaust had to be censored. Threads gives you EVERYTHING. Due to its "educational" nature four or five accounts have it up on YouTube at any given day, and watching it is something you can actually flirt with doing. However I don't recommend it because...I was serious. Threads really will ruin your week. No matter how desensitized you think you are, Threads will crush you like a bug. Of course, I realize saying not to do it only makes people want to do it more. This is why I use it as a weapon.
So, you might be wondering why on Earth a "humor" magazine would base its first issue around the existence of the most depressing film ever. Well, it....seemed like a good idea at the time.
Actually, I first found out about Threads when I found this: the warnings they broadcasted before it aired in Canada. There were two: one in text, and one on-screen plea from the president of the station himself. TWO warnings before a movie; how bad must it be? Then I went to the comments section and read things like "DON'T WATCH IT! STAY AWAY!!" and "I wish I could go back in time to prevent myself from ever watching this." I just loved the whole feeling of foreboding dread this was creating. Basing a story around Threads was less about the movie itself and more about the buildup I could create surrounding it. Even the title sounds spooky: "THREADS"? What does that mean??
The title is explained at the beginning: that everyone's lives are connected and, whether we realize it or not, every decision we make affects other people for better or worse. The movie may be dated but that's still a lesson we can take from it today. None of the characters in Threads had anything to do with what was going on in the background -- they were just living their lives, until civilization collapsed and they all died in horrible ways. No, life isn't fair, but what exacerbates the problem is when people who have the power to make it even a little bit fairer choose not to. The more we think and act only for ourselves, the more damage we will unconsciously do, and the closer we'll get to Threads.
I pointed this out in a speech I gave to the lady as she was digging the hole, but it wound up being cut to focus more on the funny and less on the preachy. You're welcome.
All in all you get a lot for your
money this month, which is nothing. Check out the premiere issue
of BANG this month at any of 700 Portland locations and let us
know what you think. I'll be back later.
©2012 BANG The Entertainment Paper